I have had a pile of birthing books in my bedroom for a few months, and I just wasn't interested in reading them. Finally I picked one up and instantly, I was HOME! I just feel so joyous when I read about real unhindered birth. I opened this blog and read my last birth story, and I AM SO EXCITED TO DO THAT AGAIN! Natural birth is such an amazing event, we are so honored to partake of it. To think that most women pass this up!! Honestly, the day I birthed my daughter was the most marvelous day in my life, I felt so powerful and close to God, so confident and so joyous. It's the best high ever.
Now 3 years later, life is just normal. I have a normal daughter. So sometimes I still stop myself and say "We delivered her alone! With no medical authority or guidance!" and it just seems like such an incredible miracle that we were blessed to experience. That is the emotional/spiritual reaction I still have. But mentally I say, "Why am I so amazed? Of course we did. Birth is so simply and natural. Babies come out." But I am not going to hush my marvel! Birth is just amazing and that's that!
I get a lot of comments about not finding out the gender. I ask myself why I enjoy the mystery so much. I think I have realized that birth is so much more special and marvelous when you keep it as a personal, internal thing. Something happens when you take external information (such as a sonogram) from somebody outside the pregnancy about what's going on in your body, and the mom loses consciousness to her intuition. She is no longer in touch to the internal information.
Honestly I have just as much, and MORE information about my baby than a sonogram or doctor's testing could ever give me. And its just not statistics, it is a knowledge and familiarity with my baby as a unique person, whom I adore and cherish and will strive to protect. I really don't think this bond is possible in the medical world filled with external data.
Unfortunately, I do not have the above emotions associated with my son's birth. It was a "natural" homebirth, sure. But I was not in touch with my pregnancy or birth at all. I handed my soverignty over to a midwife, put my trust in HER, and let her give me a baby. I pushed the baby out but still, it's almost like the caregiver has given you a child. Because your trust was in them, your focus very external. There is a huge difference when a mom claims her intuition and OWNS her birth and her baby. (I really don't think most moms "own" their babies. That is a different discussion...) and its really sad that I never had that bond with my son; I am brave enough to admit that I don't have the special connection with; and I feel very sad for him. He has missed out. And when he is old enough to understand, I will beg his forgiveness.